The Three Tabby-Cat-Billy-Goats Gruff
by Altaica
Summary: THIS, ladies and gentlespoons, is what happens when CATS and the three billy goats gruff meet...when Plato is the gnome and Tugger is one of the billy goats...meh. Just..r/r, and be kind!!!


  
The Three Tabby Cats Gruff  
  
  
To tell you the truth, only one of them (technically two of them) was a tabby and only one was gruff, and that one was Bustopher Jones, merely because we couldn't find a goat costume for him, so he's wearing...well, you'll see.  
  
But now that I have started this story in such a manner that the reader is either extremely amused or had died a very long time ago, I shall start this over.  
  
A long, long time ago...well, not really, technically it was five minutes ago but to give this story that fairy-tale essence it was a long time ago, there lived three tabby cats. And they were gruff. I don't know why, even though I'm the author. The title says so. So there. That's why they were gruff.  
  
Anyway, there were these three tabby cats. The first tabby cat's name was Bustopher Jones. He wasn't really a tabby cat, he was a black cat who wore white spats all the time, even though they were soiled with the carcasses of various small, furry animals that he had stepped on since he couldn't see over his own bulk.  
  
Bustopher Jones was a sight to see. You see, for our own sadistic purposes we dressed the others up as tabby-cat-billy-goats (just to make them more gruff), but between Bustopher Jones's size and his spats we couldn't manage to find a costume for him. So alas, poor Bustopher was clad in a black miniskirt with red fishnet stockings, given a couple of breast implants and an indecent shirt and was informed that his name was now "Bustophera Joanna". So thus, Bustopher was outfitted.  
  
Anyway, because the story needed two more tabby-cat-billy-goats, and they needed to be larger than Bustophera, the second tabby-cat-billy-goat was actually two tabby-cat-billy-goats squeezed into the same costume. Their names were originally Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, but because it brings the wee Truffles kit who has nothing to do with this story at all pleasure -WINK--, the two were renamed Mungojerrumpleteazerrie. Just because we wanted to.  
  
The third tabby-cat-billy-goat's blonde mane and hairdo combined was equal to all of the fur on Bustopher's body, so he did not have to wear a costume. Let's call him the Rum Tum Tugger, merely to give this story a point.  
  
So anyway, one day the three tabby-cat-billy-goats-Gruff decided that there wasn't enough catnip growing on their side of the bride and they wanted to cross over to the other side. Problem was, Plato lived under the bridge, and the tabby-cat-billy-goats feared Plato more than anything, especially the Tugger. It wasn't that they couldn't have beat him (all they'd have to do is have Bustopher....I mean, Bustophera sit on him) it was that he wanted THEM to JOIN him, particularly Tugger.  
  
So, it was decided that the tabby-cat-billy-goats would cross the bridge one at a time and hope for the best.  
  
Bustophera, being the largest by nature, was to go first as a sort of a tabby-cat-billy-goat sacrificial offering. So Bustophera flounced up to the bridge in....its stiletto heels and indecent outfit. After a moments hesitation, Bustophera lumbered across, heels going click, click, click on the boards of the bridge.  
  
Hearing the sound, Plato came out from beneath and positively SQUEALED with delight. "I KNEW YOU'D COME TO ME!" he cried, and attempted to plant a big wet one on Bustophera's lips. Bustophera screamed bloody murder, threw the costume at Plato, and ran away, heels still going click, click, click, even on the grass, having become Bustopher once more.  
  
Plato looked dejected and, gathering the costume to his chest, went underneath the bridge to sulk.  
  
Soon, the sound of eight little tabby-cat-billy-goat feet were heard on the bridge, and Plato let them pass without any trouble because he was still weeping over Bustophera/Bustopher.  
  
Soon, it came time for the Rum Tum Tugger to cross the bridge. One could hear him coming for miles around because of the screaming Etcetera that was attached to one of his legs. Plato heard this call of the Tugger and, donning Bustophera's (rather large) costume, stood on the bridge to await the Tugger.  
  
Soon, Tugger came, Aquanetted hairdo, Etcetera, and all, and stood before Plato. Plato approached Tugger on his knees. "Oh, Tugger, Tugger, you know it is I who truly loves you!" Plato cried, and when Tugger wasn't looking he knocked Etcetera into the river, where she conveniently drowned. Etcetera then climbed the riverbank and stood behind Plato.  
  
Tugger raised a blond eyebrow. "Plato, for the last blessed time, I'M NOT GAY!!!!"  
  
Plato smiled a flirtatious smile and wagged a finger at The Tugger. "I don't beliiiieve youuuuuu...."  
  
Tugger rolled his eyes and was about to push Plato aside when the gay bridge gnome (did I mention Plato was the bridge gnome? Well, he was) tried to plant a big wet one on Tugger's lips much as he had done to Bustopher..a. Etcetera screamed in rage and flew at Plato, fists flying. "NOBODY DOES THAT TO TUGGER EXCEPT ME!!!!!!!" she cried, and they both fell in the river and drowned for real this time.  
  
Tugger cautiously looked over the edge and shrugged. "Always knew she'd have her use some day," he said, sauntering off the bridge.  
  
And that, ladies and gentlespoons, is the story of the three tabby-cat-billy-goats-gruff.   
  
Plato: *from the bottom of the river* BUT TUGGER, I LOVE YOU!!!!  
  
Etcetera: HIIIIIII-YAH!  
  



End file.
